THE NONABELIAN NAMES OF GOD*
V. Gates, Empty Kangaroo, M. Roachcock,
and W.C. Gall
Ph.D-branes and Special Agents for the I.T.P.**
A summary of mysterious recent developments in high-energy theory.
This report is to be classified as part of the Theta-Files.
*Typeset in HTML by Rosetta Stone.
**Institute for Time reversal and Parity.
We report here on some recent developments in
"The Theory Formerly Known As String Theory", which we will denote by the
The most recent of these is that there doesn't seem to be any more string
theory in it: No quantum calculations, no conformal field theory , no
massive states , etc.
We use Bjorken And Drell (BAD) conventions and reverse Polish notation.
Solar neutrino flux, as measured at Super KaramelKandy , is given in SNU*.
*What's SNU? Not much; what's SNU with you?
The most important discovery in string theories is the revelation that they
are all the same :
This has been termed the "Götterdämmerung" of string theory,
since appearance of the extra dimension and membranes  has resulted in
the loss of predictability and renormalizability, which were the only reasons
for string theory unification in the first place.
|This is your brain.||
This is your brain on branes.|
Bhabha scattering causes Lamb shift
This 4-point amplitude has the remarkable feature that the s, t, and u quarks
, which appear in the s, t, and u channels, represent S, T, and U duality ,
with respect to the proper time s, time t, and worldline length u,
respectively. Since it is conformal, it can be derived from M(aldacena) theory
[8-9] in the limit 0 -> hbar (but only in the large colon approximation), where
singletons become princetons . Then it is calculated on ADS (Amplitude
Deficiency Syndrome) space. In that approximation we only have
Weylation of violin variance for a little Weyl. The high-energy limit can also
be taken by use of the Curt-Kurt equation. Here we have used the Bored
B(z) = a + bz + czzzz....
These results can be compared favorably with those from the recent g/2-1
experiment (which is twice as accurate as previous g-2 experiments), where
g is the well-known "Ridyard coupling", which appears in
as one of the moduli oblongati. We have used soft explicit supersymmetry
breaking to avoid producing a Goldstino . This term is added to the usual
- If dark matter fell into a black hole, would anybody notice?
- How bright is a neutrino star?
Stages of theory development:
- No examples: Theory is useless.
- One example: Theory is unique!
- Two examples: Theory reveals new "duality".
- Many examples: Theory can be fit to experiment.
- Infinity of examples: Theory is useless.
Lost Feynman rules:
- Don't run with scissors.
- "i" before "e", except after "c", ...
- Don't let the sun catch you crying.
- Never leave your campfire burning in the Sahara Forest.
- When in doubt, um, ...
: twice nothing is still nothing
: theory lacking substance
: living on the edge
: classical, but with derivatives
: Proposed referees
: replacing the mechanisms of quantum
mechanics with the theorems of field theory
: only scattering at 0 and
180° can be calculated
: a planet on asteroids
: field theory for people with low energy
: disagrees with our assumptions
: the study of meteors
Dictionary of common phrases
"their exciting new result" -----
"We can't find anything better to work on."
"we extend the results of" -----
"We do the real work."
"confirming our earlier results" -----
"They couldn't calculate anything either."
"in complete agreement with experiment" -----
"SSC is dead."
"To begin" -----
"... the boring part"
"can be described by the equation" -----
"Skip the next bit."
"as we recall from the previous section" -----
"Better skip this section, too."
"beyond the scope of this paper" -----
"We don't understand this part."
"In conclusion" -----
"our results differ from those of" -----
"in a future paper" -----
"I want a job."
"in prepraration" -----
"Your theory is beautiful." -----
"Your blind date has a nice personality."
"We'll have to save further questions for the end of the talk." -----
"You've found the crucial flaw in the theory, so give everyone a chance to
run away before it hits the fan."
- J.H. Warts, Conformal field theory is a no-braner, Flatland preprint.
- U.Z. Broom, Breaking of furniture by vacuum, Hoover preprint.
- Carroll O'Connor,
Superkamioconductivity, Nuet. Phys. B137 (1999) 861.
- Hay Nanynany and Ha Chacha, DOMIN(atrix) theory: T.O.E. or T.O.Y.?,
- Victor Frankenstein,
Brane-dead models with supercemetary, Lex Luthor Lab preprint.
J.A. Wheeler, Strings without strings yield branes without brains,
preprint without preprint.
- Muster Mark, Uptown quarks and georgino-glashon scattering, in
- DJ Jazzy Gross, Coupling of self-dual Yang-Mills to anti-self-dual
Yin-Mills, CTP symmetry group preprint .
- Green in the Banks, The return of the
cosmohological constant, Mendecino preprint.
- Andy D. Sitter, AdS2 as a model for the potato chip, Hahv'd postprint.
- P. Goober, I. Clubenough, and I.M. Pullyourleg, Coholography, to appear
at the boundary.
- H. Goldstein, Classical mechanics (Addison-Wesley, 1950).
- Al G. Brake, N=2 happymultiplets and vegetable shortening,