THE CONTINUING SAGA OF OUR INTREPID EXPLORER AS HE INVESTIGATES THE MYSTERIES OF THE (UN)KNOWN UNIVERSE(S), AND REPORTS BACK IN LANGUAGE SUITABLE FOR LAYMEN:
LAST ISSUE, I DISCOVERED A TIME MACHINE THAT WORKS BY BUILDING WORMHOLES THROUGH THE EXTRA DIMENSIONS OF THE MULTIVERSE!
(FORTUNATELY, THE OWNER LEFT THE KEYS IN IT, SO I'LL JUST BORROW IT --- A WELL-KNOWN SCIENTIFIC TECHNIQUE!)
I DECIDED TO RELIVE THE HISTORY OF MANKIND TO LEARN HOW SCIENCE WAS DEVELOPED!
Your Next Joke Paper
V. Gates, M. Roachcock, E. Kangaroo, and W.C. Gall
Prostitutes for Theoretical Physics
ABSTRACT:
Everyone has asked us when we're going to write this paper, so here it is.
(We would have written it sooner, but we were busy the past few years tracking down the jerk who stole our time machine.)
Waiting for Dogot
Everyone is eagerly awaiting the discovery of the Kibble boson (known colloquially as "The Dog Particle"), which was missed at the Fermi National Labrador. There have been speculations that it is too light to observe with available accelerators because it is really a gallstone boson, but such claims are unfunded.
An alternative explanation is based on string theory, which runs on Mac OS X (τ,σ), implying 10 dimensions. But ever since the catastrophe of 10/11, strings have been replaced with membranes. This has resulted in new compactifications of manifolds M_{intake} → M_{exhaust}. Consequently, new extended structures were proposed, such as the M5 (multitronic) brane.
Such approaches favor 1st-quantization over 2nd-quantization; the latter proved to be too complicated, with momentum integrals producing complicated functions such as pollywogs, especially in tadpole graphs.
1st-quantization is generally easier, since the subtle-point approximation can be applied to its Gaussian integrals.
But due to difficulties in 1st-quantization of relativistic objects, formalisms with internal coordinates have been proposed, based on geometrical identities such as
sin(alone) + cos(alone) = $$ and FU(N) ⊂ SU(N)
Such approaches have complications from a large number of superfluous, unphysical fields and physicists. But while harmonic superspace has an infinite number, the pure spinor approach has only a Brazillion.
The Nobel Prize Singularity
Although worries of the creation of a world-eating black hole at the LHC have been allayed, in fact a more serious disaster has already occurred. Nobel Physics Prizes are frequently awarded for high energy theory, but the time between completion of the research and recognition of its worth has not remained constant. In fact, while such prizes continue to be awarded, the time of the work for which they were awarded has long since converged to 1973:
year prize awarded | for work | year work done |
1982 | renormalization group and Yang-Mills | 1971 |
1999 | renormalization of Yang-Mills | 1972 |
2004 | asymptotic freedom for Yang-Mills | 1973 |
2008 | KM matrix | 1973 |
It is not yet clear exactly what happened that year: perhaps a time loop or phase transition. However, since Nobel Prizes are not awarded posthumously, there is a possibility of catastrophe by the middle of the 21st century.
Glossary
- Albert Einstein: the old Ed Witten
- baryodeuteronomy: appearance of baryons too late for anyone to care
- bottoms up approach: deriving string theory from particle theory while intoxicated
- Fay's space: local establishment for applying the bottoms up approach
- Hajj structure: a property of a manifold that appears only once a year
- Kerr-Planck: sound of a black hole evaporating
- she: superpartner to he
- spherical cow: 4π steeradians
References
- EW, TLDR