(I know this has been done before, but I just couldn't resist. Besides, this one is significantly different: It's a lot more plagiaristic. As a result, it may be funnier if you HAVEN'T seen Get Smart.) ---------------------------> GET DATA! <----------------------------- (Bridge. Data exits turbolift, stops, turns around, notices doors are still open, begins to re-enter turbolift, doors close, and Data turns back around holding nose.) DATA: Daida repording for dudy, sir. Whad was id you wawded? PICARD: What? Get your hand off your nose, I can't understand a word you're saying! DATA: I said I'm reporting for duty, Chief. What's up? PICARD: We've just received a top-secret message from Starfleet. And don't call me "Chief"! Besides, I thought you couldn't use contractions. DATA: How about that! I guess that bang on my nose fixed my tongue. PICARD: Never mind that now. Follow me to Holodeck 7. DATA: Right, Ch..., er, why are we going there? PICARD: Because all top-secret commmuniques can be discussed only on the Holodeck of Silence. DATA: Really? How come I never heard that? PICARD: Because it was a top-secret communique! (Picard, Data, and Worf at the entrance to Holodeck 7.) PICARD: Worf, see that no one disturbs us while we're on the Holodeck. WORF: Right, Chief. (Data follows Picard onto the Holodeck, which resembles a dense jungle.) DATA: Look out for that branch, Chief. PICARD (turning around): What? Oof!! DATA: Never mind. PICARD: The Borg have just been sighted entering Federation space, heading for Earth. DATA: What? PICARD: I said, the Borg have just been sighted entering Federation space, heading for Earth. DATA: You'll have to speak up, Chief, I can't hear you through all these plants. PICARD (yelling): The Borg have just been sighted entering Federation space, heading for Earth!! DATA: Really? That's terrible, Chief! The Borg? Not the Borg! Anyone but the Borg! PICARD: Yes, the Borg. DATA: Just one question, Chief: Who are the Borg? PICARD: The Borg are a half-humanoid, half-robot race intent on enslaving the Federation! DATA: Oh, THAT Borg! PICARD: Now, I have a plan to stop the Borg, and it must be followed to the letter, so listen closely: DATA: Right, Chief! PICARD: And stop calling me "Chief"! DATA: Fire away, eh, Captain. PICARD: First, we intercept the Borg ship, ... DATA: Right! Intercept the Borg ship! PICARD: ... and lower our shields. DATA: Lower our shields?! PICARD: Then we allow them to capture us in their tractor beam, ... DATA: We let them capture us in their tractor beam?!? PICARD: ... and we accede to their demands for surrender. DATA: We surrender!!? Chief, do you know what you're saying? PICARD: I'm positive! I keep hearing it twice!! Finally, we allow them to beam aboard the Enterprise and take me hostage. DATA: They beam aboard and take you hostage. Right. PICARD: Did you get that? DATA: Not all of it, Chief. PICARD: Well, what part didn't you get? DATA: The part after "so listen closely." (PIcard puts his face in his hands.) PICARD: Let's get out of here. Computer, exit. DATA: I don't see the exit, Chief. PICARD: It's this damn foliage. Worf!! DATA: It's no use, Chief, he can't hear you on the Holodeck of Silence! I'll have to blast away some of this shrubbery. (Data takes out phaser and fires away.) VOICE: ARRGGHHH!!!! DATA: Sorry about that, Worf! (Back on the bridge, Worf is using his Klingon sash as a sling. Wesley enters with a strange contraption.) PICARD: Mr. Crusher, what are you doing on the bridge? WELSEY: I've just invented this new device to defeat the Borg. PICARD: How did you know about the Borg? WESLEY: The whole ship knows, sir. We heard you yelling about them from Holodeck 7. (Pause.) Well, do you want to hear about my device? PICARD: No. WESLEY: It's an antimatter sound-distortion mechanism, sir. Everytime the Borg give an order, this machine will make their voice sound like a duck. Then they'll be too confused to attack us! PICARD: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard! WESLEY: How do you know till you've tried it? PICARD: Wesley, get that device off my bridge! And step on it!! (Wesley exits bridge.) PICARD: Data, have the Borg entered sensor... (An explosion rocks the bridge. Wesley enters from the turbolift, which is severely damaged inside, with torn clothing and a scorched face.) WESLEY: I don't think you're supposed to step on those antimatter mechanisms, Chief. PICARD: Get out of here, Wesley. WESLEY: Right, Chief. DATA: Captain, the Borg have entered sensor range. PICARD: Put them on the screen. DATA: That's the second biggest ice cube I've ever seen! (Suddenly, the Borg beam over, grab Riker, and disappear.) DATA: How about that, Chief, they took the wrong guy! PICARD: It looks like we'll need a change in plans. Mr. Data, please accompany me to Holodeck 7. DATA: Oh, no, don't tell me we're going to use the Holodeck of Silence again! PICARD: We're going to use the Holodeck of Silence. DATA: I asked you not to tell me that! Chief, we just tried that. That holodeck never works! PICARD: Mr. La Forge has come up with a new device which he guarantees will work. (Picard, Data, and La Forge at the entrance to Holodeck 7.) LA FORGE: Computer, resume program 5. (They enter the holodeck.) LA FORGE: I've arranged for the computer to create force fields surrounding both of you. That way, only the computer will be able to hear you, and will convey your discussion. Furthermore, both of you will be able to hear everything I say, while I won't be able to hear anything either of you say. PICARD: Excellent, Mr. La Forge! Let us begin. LA FORGE: Computer, lower the force fields. (Loud humming sound.) DATA (walking toward Geordi): I don't see any force... oof!! LA FORGE: Try to stay in the center of the field, Data. DATA: What's that? PICARD: He said to stay near the center of the field. DATA: What? COMPUTER: Please stay near the center of the field. DATA: I can't hear a thing! Maybe it'll work better if I stay near the center of the field. PICARD: What? LA FORGE: He said he's moving to the center of the field. COMPUTER: What? PICARD: This isn't working! Computer, raise the fields! LA FORGE: What? DATA: He wants the fields raised. PICARD: What? DATA: I was talking to Geordi, Chief. I said you wanted the fields raised. PICARD: I don't care about that, just get these damn fields up! DATA: I can't hear you, Chief. I'm going to have to force the fields up. PICARD: Yes, get the force fields up! (Data takes out his phaser.) PICARD: No, don't fire, you'll kill us both! DATA: Don't worry, Chief, I'm just going to bang on it a little. COMPUTER: What? (Data walks toward field, walks into field, falls backwards, and phaser discharges, ricocheting several times against the fields, eventually blasting a large hole in the floor of the holodeck, through which Data, Picard, and La Forge fall, landing in Sickbay.) COMPUTER: What? DATA: I'm not feeling well. BEVERLY: Well, you've come to the right place. PICARD: Never mind that! We have to deal with the Borg! BEVERLY: Don't tell me you've been using the Holodeck of Silence again! DATA: We've been using the Holodeck... PICARD: Data! Please excuse us, Doctor, we must continue this discussion in complete privacy. BEVERLY: Well, why you don't you just write everything down in a logbook and pass it back and forth? DATA: Great idea, Doctor! (Beverly hands logbook to Picard, who immediately writes something down and hands it to Data, who drops it. Both reach down to pick it up, bumping heads. Both get back up, and Picard is holding his head.) DATA: Another one of your headaches, Chief? Good thing we're in Sickbay. BEVERLY: Have you been getting headaches, Captain? PICARD: No. DATA: That's not true, Chief. Almost every time I've seen you lately you've had one! PICARD: Those are the ONLY times I've had them! Data, we don't have enough time for this! I called this meeting because I would like my best officer to lead an away team to the Borg ship... DATA: Thank you, Sir. PICARD: ... but unfortunately they've already kidnaped him, so I'll have to send you instead. DATA: Eh, right. I'll take Yar, La Forge and Worf with me. (Data, Yar, La Forge, and Worf beam aboard the Borg ship.) DATA: We'd better split up. La Forge, you and Worf take the right corridor, and we'll take the left one. WORF: You took the left one last time. How come you always get to take the left one? DATA: The Starfleet Manual says the leader of the away team always takes the left corridor. WORF: I don't remember that. Besides, every time I take the right corridor, I get blasted. DATA: Worf, just take the right corridor, and we'll take the left one. WORF: Sorry, Data, I can't do that. DATA: Alright, then we'll take the left corridor, and you can take the right one. WORF: That's more like it. (They head down their respective corridors.) VOICE: ARRGGHHH!!!! YAR: What was that? DATA: Never mind. (Borg appears.) BORG (with Swedish accent): Surrender, humans. Resistance is irrelevant. DATA: Oh, yeah? Well, resist this, you ugly pile of spare parts! (Data fires phaser at Borg, but it is completely deflected by Borg's force field. Data then rips pipe from wall and breaks it over head of Borg, who doesn't even flinch.) DATA (putting arm around Borg's shoulder and smiling): Say, I hope I wasn't out of line with that "ugly pile of parts" crack. BORG (shrugging off Data): You vill serve us, or ve vill destroy you. YAR: We'll never serve you, you evil, vile, disgusting, ... DATA: Careful, Tasha! We don't want to get them mad at us! (Borg leads them to room lined with pipes and wires, where Riker, Worf, and La Forge are imprisoned in booths embedded in wall. Worf has both arms in slings.) BORG: Yust sit anyvhere. DATA: Alright, Mr. Borg, the jig is up. At this very moment, your ship has just been surrounded by 173 Dreadnought-class Federation battleships. BORG: Ve find dot hard to believe. DATA: Would you believe 5 cruisers? BORG: Ve don't tink so. DATA: How about a very dangerous garbage scow? BORG: Irrelevant. You vill now reveal to us all you know about Federation veapons technology. DATA: And if I don't? (Borg walks up to vat filled with bubbling, sputtering liquid.) BORG: You see dis vat, Mr. Data? Do you know vhat it contains? DATA: Romulan ale? BORG: No, Mr. Data, it is filled vid diuranium ekahydride, de second strongest acid in de universe. DATA: What's the first strongest? BORG: Romulan ale. DATA: And what exactly do you plan to do with that? BORG: Dissolve you in it, bit by bit, until you tell us de information, by Yiminy! DATA: You mean that stuff will dissolve electronic parts? BORG: Exactly. DATA: That's all I wanted to know. (Data pulls out his phaser and fires it into the vat, which explodes, pouring its contents over the Borg and the control panel for the containment booths, both of which start shooting off sparks, freeing the prisoners and incapacitating the Borg.) RIKER: This place is gonna blow! Let's get outa here! DATA: Hey! The Chief put ME in charge of the away team! RIKER: Alright, Data. DATA: This place is gonna blow! Let's get outa here! (Everyone runs out of the room, with Worf bringing up the rear, since he finds it hard to run with both his arms in slings.) YAR: I don't remember the way back. Which way do we turn here? DATA: Left. WORF: Left? DATA: Right! (Everyone turns left, except for Worf, who turns right.) VOICE: ARRGGHHH!!!! DATA: Maybe we better beam back from right here. (Taps communicator.) Away team to Enterprise: 5 to beam over. (Picard and Data in the Ready Room.) DATA: Well, I guess I wrapped up that case pretty well, Chief. PICARD: I think Worf would disagree with you. DATA: Well, you know Klingons, Chief --- they're always mad about something. By the way, where is Worf, Chief? PICARD: Sickbay. DATA: That reminds me, Chief: Did Dr. Crusher give you anything for your headaches? PICARD: Yes, as a matter of fact, she just gave me this hypo of sleeping solution. DATA: That's great, Chief. You could use the sleep. PICARD: It's not for me, Data. (He injects Data.) Ah, I'm feeling better already. DATA: Good night, Chief. PICARD: Good night, Data.