Captain's log, stardate 41592.65358979... er... oh, hell, can't they build
clocks into these stupid things?   We are approaching Alpha Beta
Gamma III, a planet in the Fraternity system.  Since the arrival of the
cargo vessel U.S.S. Shatner carrying the pentaquadrotriticale shipment...
Shut up, Wesley!

WESLEY:  But, sir, a Romulan submarine has just appeared off our
        starboard bow! 
PICARD:  Don't you mean "battleship?"
WESLEY:  Sorry, sir, I still can't get used to all this naval terminology.
PICARD:  Why wasn't this ship detected sooner?
DATA:  We thought it was a smudge, sir.  Our ship's supply of Windex is
        running dangerously low, and since we won't reach the next
        starbase until... 
BEVERLY:  That's what you get for not listening to Wesley. 
WESLEY:  Look who's talking!  You weren't even here for the whole
        second season! 
ALL:  Ooohh...!
BERNSEN:  I suggest we hail the Romulan vessel, sir.
PICARD (to RIKER):  Who is that?
RIKER:  The new officer in our personnel exchange program.
PICARD:  With the Q continuum?!
RIKER:  No, with LA Law.
PICARD:  Hail the Romulan vessel.
BERNSEN:  They're not responding, sir.
WORF:  The Romulans are charging their photon torpedoes!  Arf!
PICARD:  Shields up!
WORF:  Romulan torpedoes firing!  Arf!
(Ship shakes.)
PICARD:  Will you please stop that damn barking!
WORF:  I can't help it, sir.  It's in my Klingon blood.
PICARD:  Well, get it out of your blood!  The last thing this show needs is
        another damn 20th-century macho...  
RIKER:  Sir!
PICARD:  What is it, No. 1?
RIKER:  You're only allowed one "damn" per episode, sir.
(Ship shakes again.)
WORF:  Minor damage to secondary hull.  Ar... I mean, meow!
RIKER:  And I broke a nail!
PICARD:  That does it!  Now I'm REALLY mad!!  Arm the admonishment
        tubes! 
WORF:  Admonishment tubes armed and ready, sir!
RIKER:  Admonishment tubes?!  Do you think that's wise, sir?
PICARD:  Fire!
(External view of Enterprise.  Flashes from admonishment tubes,
accompanied by the sound:  >TSK!!<  >TSK!!<  >TSK!!<) 
PICARD:  Plot a course 147.3609813259, mark 359834678.01...
WORF:  Forget it, sir.  They've left.
BERNSEN:  It's the cargo ship, sir.  The Romulans damaged their grain
        dispersal mechanism.  They're asking for our help in the repairs.
PICARD:  Make it sow!
TROI:  I feel grain!
PICARD:  Counsleor, your new uniform is bursting at the seams again.
TROI:  Sorry, sir, but the clothing repair unit chokes on our new
        costumes. 
PICARD:  Make it sew!
Q:  Oh, please, Picard, can't you ever say anything else?
PICARD:  Q!!
Q:  Aren't you going to thank me for scaring away those nasty
        Romulans? 
PICARD:  I thought they gave up too easily.
Q:  Would you rather I brought them back?
PICARD:  I am not amused, Q.
Q:  "I'm not amused, I'm not amused."  Really, Picard, and they say Data
        is the one that doesn't have a sense of humor. 
PICARD:  What exactly does the "Q" stand for, anyway?
Q:  If you can guess, I'll leave your ship forever.
PICARD:  That's what you always say.
RIKER:  "Tiberius?"
Q:  Oh, come now, Riker.  Your poor posture is making your brains slosh
        over to one side.  But what can you expect from someone who can't
        even spell his own name right? 
DATA:  "Qwertyuiop?"
Q:  Very clever, tin man.  Maybe I'll go bother Dr. Who for a while.
(Q vanishes.)
RIKER:  Haven't I seen this on an episode of TOS?
WESLEY:  What's "TOS"?
DATA:  You're too young to remember, Wesley.
WESLEY:  What're you talking about?  I'm the same age as you!
DATA:  I meant emotionally.
WESLEY:  But you don't have any emotions!  You can't even laugh!
DATA:  Actually, I used to laugh all the time, but somehow things just
        aren't the same since I killed Batman. 
PICARD:  Well, I guess that just about wraps up another episode. 
LA FORGE (over intercom):  La Forge to the bridge. 
PICARD:  What is it, Mr. La Forge?
(La Forge in Engineering, wearing dreadlocks and a stupid smile.) 
LA FORGE:  Nothing, sir.  I just called to say I love you.
PICARD (grimacing out of one side of his mouth):  Plot a course for
        wherever no one has gone before. 
TROI:  I feel my biological clock ticking, Captain, but Commander Riker
        seems reluctant to consider marriage in the near future.  What
        should I do?
PICARD (pointing forward):  Engage!

And now a few scenes from the next, exciting, almost all new episode of
STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION:

PICARD:  Lieutenant Yar, arm photon torpedoes!
BEVERLY:  She's dead, Jim!
PICARD:  Shut up, Beverly!
WESLEY:  Oops!!
DATA:  Where does he get those wonderful toys?
TROI:  I feel a song coming on.
LA FORGE (singing):  Georgia, Georgia...
WORF:  Oink!