These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her 5-year mission: to boldly go where no man has gone before! (Kirk enters Ladies' Room.) UHURA: Eeeek!!! Captain, we've got to stop meeting like this. KIRK: Sorry, Lieutenant. Er... report to the bridge. Nice underwear. (Bridge scene.) KIRK: Captain's log, stardate 7182.8. The Enterprise is answering a distress call from the colony on Omigod Ceti V. We are entering standard orbit. SULU: Entering standard orbit, sir. (Kirk bangs on log book.) KIRK: Spock, I've asked you to fix that echo. SULU: Something strange, Captain: Although we've entered standard orbit, our port side continues to face down toward the planet. KIRK: That's what "standard orbit" means, Mr. Sulu. It always looks better if we keep the planet to our left. CHEKOV: Sir! Sensors detect two Klingon wessels approaching de planet! KIRK: Right! Take us on an intercept course. Uhura, hail the Klingon wessels. What's a "wessel?" UHURA: I think he means "weasel," Sir. CHEKOV: Not "veasel," "wessel!" SULU: Klingons entering visual range, sir. (Two Klingon ships appear on the view screen, upside-down.) KIRK: Oh, my god! SULU: No, sir, we've left orbit. KIRK: They're flying upside-down! SPOCK: Actually, sir, there is no "down" in outer space: The law of gravity states... MCCOY: Enough of your damn Vulcan logic, Spock! Anybody can see they're upside-down! (Interior of Klingon bridge appears on view screen.) KREEP: This is Kaptain Kreep, of the Klingon wessel Kong. CHEKOV: See? I told you so! KREEP: We demand to know why you are flying upside-down! KIRK: WE'RE not flying upside-down, YOU are!! KREEP: We demand you fly right-side-up, or we'll be forced to open fire! KIRK: Arm phasers! Fire!! (Klingon bridge shakes on view screen.) KREEP: Klung wa run'gg'h hwa!!! (SUBTITLE: Your mother doesn't wear army boots!!!) KIRK: What? KREEP: Read the subtitles, you flat-foreheaded Federation fool! (Kirk looks down.) KIRK: Oh, yeah? Up yours!! (SUBTITLE: Ee kra? K'uff zrok!!) KIRK: Kreep, what's that overhead? (Kreep looks up.) KIRK: Charge torpedo tubes! Fire photon torpedoes!! (Klingon bridge shakes on view screen.) KREEP: Sneaky trick, Kirk! KIRK: Hey, how'd you know my name? KREEP: I watch the show every week, 6:00 KST. SPOCK: That would explain the leak Starfleet Headquarters reported, sir. KIRK: Fire photon torpedoes!! SULU: We're all out of photons, sir. KIRK: Then fire phasers!! SULU: We're fresh out of those, too. KIRK: Well, fire anything that begins with a "ph!!" SULU: Sorry, sir, no can do. KIRK: Then fire the writers!! SULU: Captain, we did that last week. KIRK: Then fire Gene Roddenberry!! THUNDERING VOICE FROM ABOVE: WHAT?! KIRK: Belay that order, Mr. Sulu. CHEKOV: Aaggghhhh!!!!! KIRK: Chekov! What is it? CHEKOV: Just practicing, sir. MCCOY: Jim, do you think you could get me a chair? I'm getting mighty tired of standing over your shoulder. KIRK: Sorry, Bones, only the Captain gets to be comfortable on the bridge. SCOTT: Och! Loch gang agley bairn! KIRK: What's that, Scotty? SCOTT: Sorry, sir, I was just choking on a piece of haggis. CHEKOV: Keptin!! Klingon wessels approaching from opposite directions! SULU: We can't outrun them, sir. KIRK: Take us on course 5130 mark 2790! SULU: But, sir, that would put us right between them! KIRK: That's an order, Mr. Sulu! SULU: We're directly between the Klingon ships, sir, and they're approaching at warp 10!! KIRK: Steady, Mr. Sulu. SULU: Range: 5 kilometers and closing, sir! KIRK: Steady, Mr. Sulu. Set a course straight up. SULU: Is that our "up" or their "up," sir? KIRK: Mr. Sulu... SULU: Range: 1 kilometer and closing, sir! KIRK: Warp 9, now!! (External view: Enterprise zooms upward, as the two Klingon ships, flying upside-down, crash into each other, producing a pretty explosion.) KIRK: Well, Spock, how's that for logic? SPOCK: Quite poor, Captain. Space is so vast, that the odds that two ships approaching each other would actually collide is approximately 235,869,856,842,576,5... KIRK: Anyway, we encountered an interesting paradox on this episode: Were we upside-down, or were the Klingons? SPOCK: As I tried to explain earlier, Captain, there was really no paradox: Weightlessness in outer space implies that... (Kirk laughs, then the rest of the bridge crew, except Spock, who raises an eyebrow.) MCCOY: You're a stubborn Vulcan, Mr. Spock. CHEKOV: Romulan wessel appearing vidin sensor range, sir. KIRK: Does everybody have these "wessels" except us? CHEKOV: Entering visual range. KIRK: On the screen, Mr. Chekov. (Romulan warbird appears on screen, flying toward the viewer, on its side.) KIRK: Oh, no, not again. UHURA: Sir, the Romulans are hailing us, demanding to know why we are flying on our side. TO BE CONTINUED... Tune in next episode, same channel, same time... SPOCK: Actually, the time will depend on your Lorentz frame. KIRK: Never mind that, Spock, Ferengi wessels are approaching... backwards!! FERENGI CAPTAIN: !sdrawkcab gniylf era uoy yhw wonk ot dnamed eW KIRK: Where are the damn subtitles? SPOCK: No subtitles are necessary, Captain; they are speaking Standard. MCCOY: Right, Spock, and now I suppose you are going to tell us that backwards is the same as forwards in outer space. SPOCK: No, Doctor, but their form of speech follows directly from the fact that the Ferengi will not be discovered for another 70 years. MCCOY: You've finally gone off the deep end, Spock. That green blood of yours is affecting your brain! SPOCK: In a human's eye! UHURA: Captain, I've just intercepted a message from the Romulans to the Ferengi demanding to know why they are flying backwards on their side. SULU: Sir, I just noticed that the planet Omigod Ceti V is ROTATING on its side! CHEKOV: And backvards? SULU: I don't know; which is backwards, clockwise or counterclockwise? UHURA: Captain, I've just received a message from our sponsor. They want us to go to a commercial. CHEKOV: Vat is a "commercial?" KIRK: What's a "vat?" SULU: In fact, the planet is also ORBITING on its side. KIRK: Take us out of here, Mr. Sulu. I've had enough paradoxes for one day. SPOCK: Jim, I'll try to explain this to you one more time: These are NOT paradoxes, it's merely a matter of your choice of coordinate... MCCOY: Shut up, Spock, the program's over! KIRK: How can you tell? MCCOY: They've been rolling the credits over us for the past 5 minutes. CHEKOV: Vat is an "associate producer?" KIRK: Aha! You see, Spock? That proves that we are at the END of the program, and therefore we are flying FORWARDS! SPOCK: Not necessarily, Captain. These could be the OPENING credits. SULU: But then the credits would be rolling UP, not DOWN. SPOCK: Not necessarily: We could be going backwards AND upside-down. SCOTT: I canna take much more o' this! UHURA (to switchboard): I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. KIRK: Beam me up, Scotty! SCOTT: But you're already up, sir! KIRK: Unless I'm really already DOWN! MCCOY: I really think we should end the show now, our time is already up. KIRK: Unless it's DOWN! SPOCK: That does it. I'm taking control of the ship. Mr. Sulu, plot a course to take us off the air. This has been a Paramount/Desilu/Gulf&Western production. CHEKOV: Vat?