in Strings '88, eds. S.J. Gates, Jr., C.R. Preitschopf, and W. Siegel, Proc. of Maryland Workshop, May 24-28, 1988 (World Scientific, Singapore, 1989) 475-483.

\phantom{of the opera}

Mayonnaise 1988


V. Gates, Empty Kangaroo, M. Roachcock, and W.C. Gall**
Compartment of Physiques and Astrology
Universally of Marineland, Alleged kraP, MD


We derive a theory which, after spontaneous, dynamical, and ad hoc symmetry breaking, and after elimination of all fields except a set of zero measure, produces 10-dimensional superstring theory. Since the latter is a theory of only everything, our theory describes much more than everything, and includes also anything, something, and nothing.

(More text should go here. So sue me.)

*Work supported by little or no evidence.
**Address after September 1, 1988: ITP, SHIITE, Roc(e)ky Brook, NY

Truth is funnier than fiction --- A no-name moose [1]

Publish or parish --- J.C. Polkinghorne

Gimme that old minimal supergravity.
Gimme that old minimal supergravity.
It was good enough for superstrings.
It's good enough for me. --------------- Christian Physicist hymn [1½]


The standard model has by now become almost standard. However, there are at least 42 constants which it doesn't explain. As is well known, this requires a theory with at least ℵ042 times more particles in its spectrum. Unfortunately, so far not all of these 42 new levels of complexity have been discovered; those now known are: (1) grandiose unification --- SU(5), SO(10), E6, E7, E8, B12, and Niacin; (2) supersummitry [2]; (3) supergravy [2]; (4) supursestrings [3-5]. We have now discovered the 5th echelon: superpeas.

Corresponding to each new type of symmetry obtained with each new level of complexity, there is also a new level of masses. The last, obtained with superstrings, had been the Mass Planck (MPlanck) [6]. The corresponding new particles have short lifetimes, of the order of the Planck Time, which is much shorter than Daylight Savings Time or even Miller Time. (Mass Planck and Planck Time should not be confused with Planckmas, which is a time of year, celebrating the anniversary of the birth of the Universe.) These particles can be directly observed by experiment, but will have to wait for government funding of the planetary accelerator [7], which falls well within the category of Star Wars projects or SDI (the String Defense Initiative) [7 1/11]. With superpeas we now have a new level of masses: The first new particle predicted by this theory has a mass of the order of that of the universe. In fact, the theory that the universe is a quantum effect, created from the vacuum [8], is predicted by this theory, since the creation of a pea-antipea pair accounts for all the mass of the universe. The peas then immediately decay into hadrons, leptons, princetons, londons, wittons, yamrons, bartons, won-tons, neutrinos, winos, zuminos, and κ-cinos (the gauge field of κ-symmetry [8.ε]).

Many of the effects of superpea theory had already been anticipated from superstring theory: The spacetime discontinuum was predicted by pea-addicts [9] and the arbitrary dimensionality of its fundamental constituents was predicted by pea-brains [10]. (There was also long ago the theory of pea-forms [11], but any object has the form of a pea, to lowest approximation.)

There is, in fact, a simple proof that superpea theory is superior to superstring theory in describing physics: (1) Nothing is better than superstrings. (2) Superpeas are better than nothing. (3) Therefore, superpeas are better than superstrings.


First (as always), some notation: We use ♠ for left-handed modes, ♥ for right-handed modes, ♦ for modes with no hands so they hop around on their left foot, ♣ for modes which hop on their right foot [12], ♯ for modes with no hands or feet which just kind of slither any which way, and π álà modes. Handedness in enforced using Lagarage multi-pliers [13]. Of course, handedness only applies in the superstring approximation: To describe universe-mass states, we should also include North, South, East, and West modes [14].

We first consider compactification over Z2 R.B.folds [15], which has the interesting consequence that the low-energy hadronic spectrum can be obtained. In particular, pions are the Goldstone bosons of Z2:

e = -1   .(1½)

Since this requires a breakdown of supersymmetry, it is necessary to determine the corresponding exhilarating field terms [16]. It is exactly this problem that has made supersymmetry a never-ending struggle for truth, beauty, and the eightfold way.

As a direct generalization we find the following equality for tortured tori:

AGGHHH!!! = AGGHHH = ααγγγ

New models with better experimental agreement can be obtained by replacing the lattices of toroidal compactification with the higher-dimensional generalizations of Penrose tilings. We refer to this as "Z̧g͡wc̈l̆œå." (This derives from the Gothic "ZGWCLOEA", meaning "that which should not be when (where, what, which, how) it might have been, although it will have been when(where, what, which, how)ever it was going to have had to be [17].") Z̧g͡wc̈l̆œåic theories have the interesting property that their zero-modes describe spontaneously broken gauge theories of affine Lie groups [18], or Catch-a-Movie algebras, whose central terms in the algebra are responsible for the symmetry breaking. Since higher dimensions also allow the creation of infinite numbers of universes, it is also possible to obtain natures with better theoretical agreement.


We use only modern methods of covariant quantization (BRSTU), since old-fashioned methods are inconsistent. (If it's not modern, it must be classical, which means it can't be quantum.) For finite orders of perturbation theory, the usual conformist field theory methods can be applied [19]. (According to the usual notation, the mechanics of the string is referred to as 2D field theory. Therefore, from now on we refer to the (classical/quantum) mechanics of the point particle as 1D field theory. Henceforth, we shall thus use the terms "classical mechanics" and "quantum mechanics" only when referring to physicists who are not qualified to do anything except work on cars.)

Since superpeas contain arbitrary dimensions, they easily allow nonperturbative calculations; for example, we have infinite-loop bubble graphs such as

This graph can be significantly simplified by the use of the twist and shout operators:

The manifest finiteness [20] of this result is obvious.


The kinetic terms of pea-field theory can be derived, as usual, from the first-quantized BRSTU operator. (The fact that the picture-hanging operator commutes with the BRSTU operator [21] almost certainly follows from the pretty-Schur lemma.) However, there is no third-quantization, since for superpeas, unlike string theory [4} and horseshoes [22], second-quantization is also last-quantization. Furthermore, there is no light-comb formalism, since peas are not cone-shaped, and such an approximation would produce comical singularities at the interaction point.

The conclusions are at the beginning.


We think people should acknowledge our work more often.


Others have recently tried to duplicate our results using superbeans [23]. We have not attempted to compare their results because we don't know beans.


Intelligent life has recently been discovered on Alpha Centauri. In fact, their civilization is much older than ours, and they have already discovered everything we know about particle physics centuries ago. In principle, we should thus rename all our physics theorems and equations after their original Centaurian discovers. Fortunately, this will essentially be unnecessary in practice, since all physicists on Alpha Centauri are named Witten.


We here give a derivation of eq. (5:30). We begin with the purely topological equation

0 = 0 .(AA)

Since this equation is gauge-invariant under (or over) the gauge transformations

δA = B , δB = C , δC = 5 ,(AAA)

we can gauge-fix this equation to

A - B + C - 5 = 0 .(AAAS)

(We have used the notation 5=∫hereeternityd(cabin) (cabin)-1.) Then taking the limit 0→ħ, we find

W + it + 10 = ∫us(a) .(ASPCA)

To highest order in perturbation theory, this gives the final result

f = 0 ,(AMFM)

for all rejective homeomorphic functionals f defined on self-conjugate paralattices [24] satisfying the Huntley-Brinkley equations [25], as implied by the invariances of the Ginrami differentials [26], and which are bounded on the unit square. Eq. (5:30) then follows as the special case f(f-1)=2.


A minor point was not understood by the referee, who has obviously not read our previous papers, so we will explain it here in more detail. Up to factors of 2 (which we ignore in our 2-free notation), superpea theory can be derived as the result of extending superstring theory to the conglomerate of all hypotheses, including pea-brains, pea-forms, pea-addicts, pea-souperspace, etc. It then obviously follows that all applications can be supersymmetrized with respect to the holonomy class of this deformation, and thus the injection of the resulting bijective mapping can be twisted subject to the economy-class constraints implied therof. Therefore, the added dimensions which are automatically canceled by the fermionic components, as enforced by the world-pea supersymmetry, contribute only to the added degrees of freedom which appear upon replacing the old modes with the new extended ones. These extra modes not only eliminate the singularity at both ends of the universe, but also cancel the divergences which are caused by the Big Bang due to the divergences of the paths of the galaxies. The submacroscopic effects then cointermingle with the supermicroscopic ones, and the temperature of the universe is fixed by the thermostatic behavior of the dilatatitaon field, except along the axis of the axion field. Then, ... what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, have you noticed how the print keeps getting smaller and smaller? This was also predicted by superpea theory. In fact, the missing mass problem in cosmology is no longer a problem, since most cosmologists have too much mass anyway. Furthermore, it has been proven that no referee reads more than the first 1,000 words of any paragraph anyway, so we might as well stop.


Superphysics is a highly technical area. Nobody understands any of the equations, so it is very important to understand all of the words. We have collected some of the more common terms here [27].

So far this word has nothing to do with physics, but we're sure it will soon.
A blues musician.
A property of matter which tends to be short-lived.
The force that holds quacks together.
classical string
The kind Stradivarius used.
The same as homology, but with too many o's.
A kind of particle which requires adding water.
conformal field theory
Quantum mechanics.
Number which changes with each experiment.
contact interactions
Higher-point scattering, occuring generally in hockey games.
CP violation
A penalty in hockey games, imposed for illegal contact interactions.
A birth defect commonly suffered by geometers.
Either vanishing or incalculable.
functional integration
fundamental particle
Something so basic it can never be found.
gauge fixing
An automobile repair, usually requiring a quantum mechanic.
An Italian friend who isn't heterotic.
Unphysical fields used to scare away experimentalists.
1. Of, or pertaining to, Grassmania (e.g., "Grassmanian devil"). 2. Addicted to marijuana.
The study of various maps, none of which tells you which exit to take off the New Jersey Turnpike to get to Princeton.
Kondo problem
Selling apartment buildings to yuppies.
light cone
Diet ice cream.
By birthright.
note added in proof
Reference to similar, earlier work.
1. see experimental (as used by an experimentalist). 2. see theoretical (as used by a theorist).
A science as closely related to physics as string theory.
representation theory
The theory of how to represent mathematics as having something to do with physics.
stress tensor
A nervous disorder caused by doing too much quantum gravity.
Nobody has any idea what this word means.
see Witten's.
The largest of all microscopic objects.
supersymmetry partner
Someone to write useless papers with.
theory of everything
Theory of nothing.
The theory of how to keep your doughnut from falling apart when you dunk it in your coffee cup.
A flavor of physics which has not yet been discovered experimentally or in the text of theory papers.
twisted tori
A perverse load of bull.
Chubby Checker.
A principle which has done for physics what the United Nations has for world government.
Definite article (as in "How do you like Witten's weather today?").


King George I and R. Balboa, Bullwinkles and model building, Hahvahd preprint (Mayonnaise 1988).

Water Closet Gall, Superstrings gimme that old minimal supergravity, Marineland preprint.

V. Gates, E. Kangaroo, M. Roachcock, and W.C. Gall, Physica 15D (1985) 289.

B.M. McCoy and T.T. Wu, Phys. Lett. 72B (1977) 219.

V. Gates, E. Kangaroo, M. Roachcock, and W.C. Gall, The super G-string, in Unified string theories, eds. M. Green and D. Gross, Proc. of Santa Barbarbara Workshop, Jul. 29 - Aug. 16, 1985 (World Scientific, Singapore, 1986) 729.

V. Gates, E. Kangaroo, M. Roachcock, and W.C. Gall, Super G-string field theory, in Superstrings, cosmology, composite structures, eds. S.J. Gates, Jr. and R.N. Mohapatra, Proc. of Maryland Workshop, March 11-18, 1987 (World Scientific, Singapore, 1987) 585.

Mass Planck, Natural units for quantum me11ani1s, Mass Planck Institute preprint (June 1905);
Wiener Heisenberg, How to do phase-space integrals pdq, Heidelberg preprint (May 1925).

S. Coleman and C. Sagan, Spacecraft sterilization standards and contamination of Mars, Astronautics and Aeronautics (May 1965) 22;
D. Vader, The sixth force, Tatooine preprint (long, long ago).

[7 1/11]
dz Freedamn, Application of Cochise theorem to the ∫R(2)d2σ term, MIT preprint MIT-PHD-MONEY.

Barry O'Genesis, The tardy universe, to appear in Proc. Lassie '88 Summer School.

κ Siegel, Seagull graphs in the Siegel gauge, Marineland preprint, must have appeared by now.

G.P.O. Freud, Adelian and nonadelian strings, Chicalogy preprint (Freubary 1987½).

Hoss Curtright and MacDuff, The man with 2-branes, Imperial preprint (Janusary 1988).

E. Hath Written, Topogigio quantum field theory, IRS preprint (last week).

R. Foot and L. Hand, th'Foot's new theory of anything but strings.

E. Kramer and A. Newview, Les tools pour la garage, Ecole Normale Supersymmetry preprint (Le March, 1977).

Peter West, Oliver North, Oliver Hardy, and Stan Ramanujan, Theta, tata, and toodaloo functions, Southampton preprint.

Bill Shakes and Pierre Ramond, Not IIB orbifold, that is the question, Gainesburger preprint.

Microdyne, Itchy Nose, and Nutty Cyborg, Effendi terms, USA preprint.

Krazystuff Pill, M. Rock, A.E. Wonder-When, P. van Who van How van, and Frank Yangenstein, Story Book preprint.

Sosueme Okubo and Murat Gungadin, Quaternions, octonions, liveranonions, and such a fine Lie group, Pennsylvania preprint 65000.

K.S. Narain in The complex plane (Main, Spain, 1988).

Eliot Ness, Finite mess of Finemen graphs, Chicago preprint (September 1930);
Al Capone, Alcoholic algebras, Alcatraz preprint (October 1940).

K. Marks and F. Angles, Commuting manifestly (Berezin Publishing, Moscow, 1917).

Mr. Ed, A force is a force (of course, of course), IMA preprint (August 1960).

M. Kuku, The superfearbean formalism for superstrings, CCSeñor preprint (to appear on radio).

Burnt Skeletons and Cameroon Waffle, Cocycles on bicycles, some preprint (a while ago).

Chocolate EClair, M. Peskiness, and C.R.A.Prightkopf, String field hockey and conformal playing, SLACK preprints (1988).

Full Nelson, Supermod Lie algebras, Near-Cambridge preprint (as soon as the secretaries get around to typing it).

A. Bierce, The physicist's dictionary (Dutch East Undies, Netherworld, 1888).