V. Gates, Empty Kangaroo, M. Roachcock, and W.C. Gall
Ph.D-branes and Special Agents for the I.T.P.**


A summary of mysterious recent developments in high-energy theory.
This report is to be classified as part of the Theta-Files.

*Typeset in HTML by Rosetta Stone.
**Institute for Time reversal and Parity.



We report here on some recent developments in "The Theory Formerly Known As String Theory", which we will denote by the symbol . The most recent of these is that there doesn't seem to be any more string theory in it: No quantum calculations, no conformal field theory [1], no massive states [2], etc.

We use Bjorken And Drell (BAD) conventions and reverse Polish notation. Solar neutrino flux, as measured at Super KaramelKandy [3], is given in SNU*.

*What's SNU? Not much; what's SNU with you?


The most important discovery in string theories is the revelation that they are all the same [4]:

D=11 batgravity

This has been termed the "Götterdämmerung" of string theory, since appearance of the extra dimension and membranes [5] has resulted in the loss of predictability and renormalizability, which were the only reasons for string theory unification in the first place.

This is your brain. This is your brain on branes.
Any questions?


Bhabha scattering causes Lamb shift

This 4-point amplitude has the remarkable feature that the s, t, and u quarks [6], which appear in the s, t, and u channels, represent S, T, and U duality [7], with respect to the proper time s, time t, and worldline length u, respectively. Since it is conformal, it can be derived from M(aldacena) theory [8-9] in the limit 0 -> hbar (but only in the large colon approximation), where singletons become princetons [10]. Then it is calculated on ADS (Amplitude Deficiency Syndrome) space. In that approximation we only have Weylation of violin variance for a little Weyl. The high-energy limit can also be taken by use of the Curt-Kurt equation. Here we have used the Bored transform:
B(z) = a + bz + czzzz....

These results can be compared favorably with those from the recent g/2-1 experiment (which is twice as accurate as previous g-2 experiments), where g is the well-known "Ridyard coupling", which appears in as one of the moduli oblongati. We have used soft explicit supersymmetry breaking to avoid producing a Goldstino [11]. This term is added to the usual Higgs potential:

Unsolved problems

  1. If dark matter fell into a black hole, would anybody notice?
  2. How bright is a neutrino star?


Stages of theory development:

  1. No examples: Theory is useless.
  2. One example: Theory is unique!
  3. Two examples: Theory reveals new "duality".
  4. Many examples: Theory can be fit to experiment.
  5. Infinity of examples: Theory is useless.

Lost Feynman rules:

  1. Don't run with scissors.
  2. "i" before "e", except after "c", ...
  3. Don't let the sun catch you crying.
  4. Never leave your campfire burning in the Sahara Forest.
  5. When in doubt, um, ...


Abstract: Introduction
duality: twice nothing is still nothing
field theory: mechanics
formal theory: theory lacking substance
holography: living on the edge
Introduction: Body
modulus: parameter
nonperturbative: classical
phenomenology: fudge
prepotential: superpotential
proposed: conjectured
quantum: classical, but with derivatives
References: Proposed referees
second quantization: replacing the mechanisms of quantum mechanics with the theorems of field theory
semiclassical: classical
solvable: only scattering at 0 and 180° can be calculated
star: a planet on asteroids
statistical mechanics: field theory for people with low energy
trivial: disagrees with our assumptions
weatherology: the study of meteors
well-known: lore

Dictionary of common phrases

"their exciting new result" ----- "We can't find anything better to work on."
"we extend the results of" ----- "We do the real work."
"confirming our earlier results" ----- "They couldn't calculate anything either."
"in complete agreement with experiment" ----- "SSC is dead."
"To begin" ----- "... the boring part"
"can be described by the equation" ----- "Skip the next bit."
"as we recall from the previous section" ----- "Better skip this section, too."
"beyond the scope of this paper" ----- "We don't understand this part."
"In conclusion" ----- "Thank goodness."
"our results differ from those of" ----- "Jerks."
"in a future paper" ----- "I want a job."
"in prepraration" ----- "We're stuck."
"Your theory is beautiful." ----- "Your blind date has a nice personality."
"We'll have to save further questions for the end of the talk." ----- "You've found the crucial flaw in the theory, so give everyone a chance to run away before it hits the fan."


  1. J.H. Warts, Conformal field theory is a no-braner, Flatland preprint.
  2. U.Z. Broom, Breaking of furniture by vacuum, Hoover preprint.
  3. Carroll O'Connor, Superkamioconductivity, Nuet. Phys. B137 (1999) 861.
  4. Hay Nanynany and Ha Chacha, DOMIN(atrix) theory: T.O.E. or T.O.Y.?, hep/cat-12341234.
  5. Victor Frankenstein, Brane-dead models with supercemetary, Lex Luthor Lab preprint.
    J.A. Wheeler, Strings without strings yield branes without brains, preprint without preprint.
  6. Muster Mark, Uptown quarks and georgino-glashon scattering, in finitesimal.
  7. DJ Jazzy Gross, Coupling of self-dual Yang-Mills to anti-self-dual Yin-Mills, CTP symmetry group preprint .
  8. Green in the Banks, The return of the cosmohological constant, Mendecino preprint.
  9. Andy D. Sitter, AdS2 as a model for the potato chip, Hahv'd postprint.
  10. P. Goober, I. Clubenough, and I.M. Pullyourleg, Coholography, to appear at the boundary.
  11. H. Goldstein, Classical mechanics (Addison-Wesley, 1950).
  12. Al G. Brake, N=2 happymultiplets and vegetable shortening, hip/pth-9999999 .