THE NONABELIAN NAMES OF GOD*
V. Gates, Empty Kangaroo, M. Roachcock,
and W.C. Gall
Ph.Dbranes and Special Agents for the I.T.P.**
ABSTRACT
A summary of mysterious recent developments in highenergy theory.
This report is to be classified as part of the ThetaFiles.
*Typeset in HTML by Rosetta Stone.
**Institute for Time reversal and Parity.
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNLO
Introduction
We report here on some recent developments in
"The Theory Formerly Known As String Theory", which we will denote by the
symbol
.
The most recent of these is that there doesn't seem to be any more string
theory in it: No quantum calculations, no conformal field theory [1], no
massive states [2], etc.
We use Bjorken And Drell (BAD) conventions and reverse Polish notation.
Solar neutrino flux, as measured at Super KaramelKandy [3], is given in SNU*.
*What's SNU? Not much; what's SNU with you?
Unification
The most important discovery in string theories is the revelation that they
are all the same [4]:

D=11 batgravity

This has been termed the "Götterdämmerung" of string theory,
since appearance of the extra dimension and membranes [5] has resulted in
the loss of predictability and renormalizability, which were the only reasons
for string theory unification in the first place.


This is your brain. 
This is your brain on branes.
Any questions? 
Calculations


Bhabha scattering causes Lamb shift

This 4point amplitude has the remarkable feature that the s, t, and u quarks
[6], which appear in the s, t, and u channels, represent S, T, and U duality [7],
with respect to the proper time s, time t, and worldline length u,
respectively. Since it is conformal, it can be derived from M(aldacena) theory
[89] in the limit 0 > hbar (but only in the large colon approximation), where
singletons become princetons [10]. Then it is calculated on ADS (Amplitude
Deficiency Syndrome) space. In that approximation we only have
Weylation of violin variance for a little Weyl. The highenergy limit can also
be taken by use of the CurtKurt equation. Here we have used the Bored
transform:
B(z) = a + bz + czzzz....
These results can be compared favorably with those from the recent g/21
experiment (which is twice as accurate as previous g2 experiments), where
g is the wellknown "Ridyard coupling", which appears in
as one of the moduli oblongati. We have used soft explicit supersymmetry
breaking to avoid producing a Goldstino [11]. This term is added to the usual
Higgs potential:
Unsolved problems
 If dark matter fell into a black hole, would anybody notice?
 How bright is a neutrino star?
Appendix
Stages of theory development:
 No examples: Theory is useless.
 One example: Theory is unique!
 Two examples: Theory reveals new "duality".
 Many examples: Theory can be fit to experiment.
 Infinity of examples: Theory is useless.
Lost Feynman rules:
 Don't run with scissors.
 "i" before "e", except after "c", ...
 Don't let the sun catch you crying.
 Never leave your campfire burning in the Sahara Forest.
 When in doubt, um, ...
Glossary
Abstract: Introduction
duality: twice nothing is still nothing
field theory: mechanics
formal theory: theory lacking substance
holography: living on the edge
Introduction: Body
modulus: parameter
nonperturbative: classical
phenomenology: fudge
prepotential: superpotential
proposed: conjectured
quantum: classical, but with derivatives
References: Proposed referees
second quantization: replacing the mechanisms of quantum
mechanics with the theorems of field theory
semiclassical: classical
solvable: only scattering at 0 and
180° can be calculated
star: a planet on asteroids
statistical mechanics: field theory for people with low energy
trivial: disagrees with our assumptions
weatherology: the study of meteors
wellknown: lore
Dictionary of common phrases
"their exciting new result" 
"We can't find anything better to work on."
"we extend the results of" 
"We do the real work."
"confirming our earlier results" 
"They couldn't calculate anything either."
"in complete agreement with experiment" 
"SSC is dead."
"To begin" 
"... the boring part"
"can be described by the equation" 
"Skip the next bit."
"as we recall from the previous section" 
"Better skip this section, too."
"beyond the scope of this paper" 
"We don't understand this part."
"In conclusion" 
"Thank goodness."
"our results differ from those of" 
"Jerks."
"in a future paper" 
"I want a job."
"in prepraration" 
"We're stuck."
"Your theory is beautiful." 
"Your blind date has a nice personality."
"We'll have to save further questions for the end of the talk." 
"You've found the crucial flaw in the theory, so give everyone a chance to
run away before it hits the fan."
REFERENCES
 J.H. Warts, Conformal field theory is a nobraner, Flatland preprint.
 U.Z. Broom, Breaking of furniture by vacuum, Hoover preprint.
 Carroll O'Connor,
Superkamioconductivity, Nuet. Phys. B137 (1999) 861.
 Hay Nanynany and Ha Chacha, DOMIN(atrix) theory: T.O.E. or T.O.Y.?,
hep/cat12341234.
 Victor Frankenstein,
Branedead models with supercemetary, Lex Luthor Lab preprint.
J.A. Wheeler, Strings without strings yield branes without brains,
preprint without preprint.
 Muster Mark, Uptown quarks and georginoglashon scattering, in
finitesimal.
 DJ Jazzy Gross, Coupling of selfdual YangMills to antiselfdual
YinMills, CTP symmetry group preprint .
 Green in the Banks, The return of the
cosmohological constant, Mendecino preprint.
 Andy D. Sitter, AdS2 as a model for the potato chip, Hahv'd postprint.
 P. Goober, I. Clubenough, and I.M. Pullyourleg, Coholography, to appear
at the boundary.
 H. Goldstein, Classical mechanics (AddisonWesley, 1950).
 Al G. Brake, N=2 happymultiplets and vegetable shortening,
hip/pth9999999 .