GDUALITY FOR GSTRINGS
AND
GBRANES
V. Gates, Empty Kangaroo, M. Roachcock, and W.C. Gall
Institute for Toilet Paper,
SUSY, Spontaneously Broken, Nu York
ABSTRACT
Read the paper.
``If it ain't broke, don't fix it
          unless it's a gauge invariance."
``I never metaphysicist I didn't like."
          Aristotle Rogers
``Feynman rules!" ``Stop quarks!"
     signs at QCDROM convention in Vladipostok
Numerical results
Branes have replaced strings. Unfortunately branes are harder to calculate with than strings
 they haven't even been quantized yet. We now present the first true quantum calculations with branes.
Loop calculations in quantum gravity can be performed using brane
theory, by performing conformal transformations on the Feynman
diagrams:
1 loop: O = 0
2 loops:
= ∞
It also gives a theoretical derivation of the fine structure constant:
Rather than Eddington's old
16(16+1)/2 +1 = 137 ≈ 1/α
based on Sp(16) generators, which is good to only .03%, we now have
42(421)/2 = 861 ≈ 2π/α
based on SO(42), which is not only (the inverse of) the actual combination
that occurs in the anomalous magnetic moment, but also good to .003%,
an order of magnitude improvement.
This can be derived using the Castro equation, which can be expressed as the commutator:
= [nist,dic]
Here ``ln" refers to the natural log, while ``log" refers to an artificial
log (as used in fireplaces).
Finally, experimental verification for branes may at last be found at the
newly built D0brane detector through their DuranDuran charge
signature. In particular, one would expect to detect the lowest mass metastable particle, the
.
Theorems
Similar methods can be used to derive theorems on the geometry of
string diagrams:
(1) Cross caps can be removed only by Klein bottle openers.
(2) A tire with a black hole has no air.
(3) Vanishing theorem:
(4) MF theory doesn't work on weekends.
We have verified these theorems by computer, using programs with
NambuGoto statements. These programs need lots of memory, so make
sure to CechdeRham.
These results can be extended to orbifolds and orientifods usings the art
of orbigami.
Since strings are finite, string field theory doesn't need to be
renormalized or regularized, only normalized and gularized.
History of left field theory
In the 1940's, Stueckelberg and Feynman discovered that propagators
must be casual, and shortly thereafter physicists stopped wearing
business suits.
The most recent development in this informality was rap physics:
preprints without equations.
The next thing we can expect is particle physicist prank calls: ``Is your
coupling constant running?" or references to the running of the couplings
at Pamplona.
The four stages of fame:
(1) nobody references you
(2) EW references you
(3) everybody references you
(4) everybody references EW
Evolutionary stages of reaction to (someone else's) discovery:
(1)  Ignorance  (6)  Acceptance 
(11)  Disillusionment 
(2)  Denial  (7)  Enthusiasm 
(12)  Accusation 
(3)  Anger  (8)  Selfrecrimination 
(13)  Condescension 
(4)  Depression  (9)  Plagiarism 
 
(5)  Apathy  (10)  Confusion 
 
Fig. 1. Save the Weyl
[2]
Dear Ed, 
Please stop increasing my dimensions. 
Sincerely, 
+++ 

What the "M" in "Mtheory" really stands for:
It doesn't cut the mustard.
Quiz
 Q: What is it that is not broken except when it is fixed?
 A: A gauge invariance.
 Q: Assume magnetic flux is confined to Hiroshima and Nagasaki,
and calculate the A.Bohm effect.
 Q: Which of the following are real prefixes?
10^{24}  yotta  10^{12}  tera 
10^{1}  deci  10^{14}  groucho 
10^{23}  lotta  10^{11}  hora 
10^{2}  centi  10^{15}  femto 
10^{22}  yenta  10^{9}  giga 
10^{3}  milli  10^{16}  bigto 
10^{21}  zetta  10^{8}  godzilla 
10^{4}  vanilli  10^{18}  atto 
10^{20}  bubba  10^{6}  mega 
10^{5}  itsi  10^{19}  lotto 
10^{18}  exa  10^{5}  bigga 
10^{6}  micro  10^{20}  bozo 
10^{17}  whya  10^{3}  kilo 
10^{9}  nano  10^{21}  zepto 
10^{15}  peta  10^{2}  hecto 
10^{10}  nanoo  10^{22}  zeppo 
10^{14}  pita  10^{1}  deka 
10^{12}  pico  10^{23}  harpo 
10^{13}  rita  10^{0}  uni 
10^{13}  chico  10^{24}  yocto 
REFERENCES
 E. Witten*, Yokonomy of knotted
selfdual cosmic Dpbranes with 12D Skyrme index
 CyberWitten, Electric/magnetic quantum numbers as sea life:
C_{nm,ne}
 10^{11} Newton and N. SeibergWitten, Using BSduality to
transform garbagein to garbageout
 F. Lang, M theory
 C. Itzyxwn, M&M theory using L'Orange multipliers
 . Duff,
branes
 Al et al., What's the difference between the simultaneous
measurement of a pair of photons and a paradox?
 A2.B. Cohomolodchikov, Supergluons, gravyphotons, and
Valujet gluon amplitudes at the onepoop level
 Kato and G. Hornet, BeeRST for the string
 P. van Knowwhoisit and I. van Hoe, BPS monopoles, BPST instantons,
BRST invariance, and BPHZ renormalization.
 S. Coleperson, Is the cosmological constant big or little (b/l)? b
(This will come out unreduced.)
 G. Mendeleev, The elements are too Predic Table
 Zum Gali Gali, U(N) symmetry
 Bono, U(2) and other Simonsimple groups
 J.F. Kennedy, x_{0} what supersymmetry can do for you
 R. van Winkle, How to attend the most seminars
 D. Iagonalizer and K. Interrogator, Cosmetology
 Tini Veltman, Wini, neutrini, and bikini; clapons, clingons, and bunions
 Marcu Gris`R'us, WZW* models
 P.M. Multiakov, the RamondNeveuSchwarzChristoffelWitten string
*To be confirmed.