V. Gates, Empty Kangaroo, M. Roachcock, and W.C. Gall
Institute for Toilet Paper,
SUSY, Spontaneously Broken, Nu York


Read the paper.

``If it ain't broke, don't fix it

- - - - - - - - - - unless it's a gauge invariance."

``I never metaphysicist I didn't like."
- - - - - - - - - - Aristotle Rogers

``Feynman rules!" ``Stop quarks!"
- - - - - signs at QCD-ROM convention in Vladipostok

Numerical results

Branes have replaced strings. Unfortunately branes are harder to calculate with than strings --- they haven't even been quantized yet. We now present the first true quantum calculations with branes. Loop calculations in quantum gravity can be performed using brane theory, by performing conformal transformations on the Feynman diagrams:

1 loop: O = 0

2 loops: = ∞

It also gives a theoretical derivation of the fine structure constant: Rather than Eddington's old

16(16+1)/2 +1 = 137 ≈ 1/α

based on Sp(16) generators, which is good to only .03%, we now have

42(42-1)/2 = 861 ≈ 2π/α

based on SO(42), which is not only (the inverse of) the actual combination that occurs in the anomalous magnetic moment, but also good to .003%, an order of magnitude improvement. This can be derived using the Castro equation, which can be expressed as the commu-tator:

= [nist,dic]

Here ``ln" refers to the natural log, while ``log" refers to an artificial log (as used in fireplaces).

Finally, experimental verification for branes may at last be found at the newly built D0-brane detector through their Duran-Duran charge signature. In particular, one would expect to detect the lowest mass metastable particle, the .


Similar methods can be used to derive theorems on the geometry of string diagrams:
(1) Cross caps can be removed only by Klein bottle openers.
(2) A tire with a black hole has no air.
(3) Vanishing theorem:
(4) M-F theory doesn't work on weekends.
We have verified these theorems by computer, using programs with Nambu-Goto statements. These programs need lots of memory, so make sure to Cech-deRham.

These results can be extended to orbifolds and orientifods usings the art of orbigami.

Since strings are finite, string field theory doesn't need to be renormalized or regularized, only normalized and gularized.

History of left field theory

In the 1940's, Stueckelberg and Feynman discovered that propagators must be casual, and shortly thereafter physicists stopped wearing business suits. The most recent development in this informality was rap physics: preprints without equations. The next thing we can expect is particle physicist prank calls: ``Is your coupling constant running?" or references to the running of the couplings at Pamplona.

The four stages of fame:
(1) nobody references you
(2) EW references you
(3) everybody references you
(4) everybody references EW

Evolutionary stages of reaction to (someone else's) discovery:
(1)Ignorance(6)Acceptance (11)Disillusionment
(2)Denial(7)Enthusiasm (12)Accusation
(3)Anger(8)Self-recrimination (13)Condescension

Fig. 1. Save the Weyl


Dear Ed,
Please stop increasing my dimensions.

What the "M" in "M-theory" really stands for:

It doesn't cut the mustard.


1024yotta1012tera 10-1deci10-14groucho
1023lotta1011hora 10-2centi10-15femto
1022yenta109giga 10-3milli10-16bigto
1021zetta108godzilla 10-4vanilli10-18atto
1020bubba106mega 10-5itsi10-19lotto
1018exa105bigga 10-6micro10-20bozo
1017whya103kilo 10-9nano10-21zepto
1015peta102hecto 10-10nanoo10-22zeppo
1014pita101deka 10-12pico10-23harpo
1013rita100uni 10-13chico10-24yocto


  1. E. Witten*, Yokonomy of knotted self-dual cosmic Dp-branes with 12D Skyrme index
  2. Cyber-Witten, Electric/magnetic quantum numbers as sea life: Cnm,ne
  3. 10-11 Newton and N. Seiberg-Witten, Using BS-duality to transform garbage-in to garbage-out
  4. F. Lang, M theory
  5. C. Itzyxwn, M&M theory using L'Orange multipliers
  6. . Duff, -branes
  7. Al et al., What's the difference between the simultaneous measurement of a pair of photons and a paradox?
  8. A2.B. Cohomolodchikov, Super-gluons, gravy-photons, and Valu-jet gluon amplitudes at the one-poop level
  9. Kato and G. Hornet, BeeRST for the string
  10. P. van Knowwhoisit and I. van Hoe, BPS monopoles, BPST instantons, BRST invariance, and BPHZ renormalization.
  11. S. Coleperson, Is the cosmological constant big or little (b/l)? b (This will come out unreduced.)
  12. G. Mendeleev, The elements are too Predic Table
  13. Zum Gali Gali, U(N) symmetry
  14. Bono, U(2) and other Simonsimple groups
  15. J.F. Kennedy, x0 what supersymmetry can do for you
  16. R. van Winkle, How to attend the most seminars
  17. D. Iagonalizer and K. Interrogator, Cosmetology
  18. Tini Veltman, Wini, neutrini, and bikini; clapons, clingons, and bunions
  19. Marcu Gris`R'us, WZW* models
  20. P.M. Multiakov, the Ramond-Neveu-Schwarz-Christoffel-Witten string

*To be confirmed.