in Strings and Symmetries 1991, eds. N. Berkovits, H. Itoyama, K. Schoutens, A. Sevrin, W. Siegel, P. van Nieuwenhuizen, and J. Yamron, Stony Brook, May 20-25 (World Scientific, Singapore, 1992) 593-599.


V. Gates, Empty Kangaroo, M. Roachcock, and W.C. Gall**
PIT, Isle of New York, NY


We correct errors in our previous papers and everybody else's.

*Typeset in Gore-TeXTM
**Bitnet address: g@#d%&*computer!

You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relativists --- A. Ashtecan


Strings are pointless. Conformal field theory isn't conformal, since the string tension isn't dimensionless, and it isn't field theory, since it only describes one-particle states. Topological field theory is nontrivial only on the boundary, so it's a hollow theory. Matrix models don't model anything, and W gravity has too much levity. On the other hand, experiments are a waste of spacetime, since nothing new will be seen till the Godzillatron is built [1].

What does this leave? Phenomenology claims to relate theory to experiment, but this is clearly impossible because of the Energy Crisis: Theory is at the Planck scale, while experiment is only at keV, MeV, BeV, GeV, TeV, etc. Fortunately, with 26 letters in the alphabet, this will eventually take us to 103x24=1072 eV =1063 GeV,* which is just about right for black hole scattering. (Oops! I meant African-American hole scattering.) In the meantime, phenomenologists talk about model building with supergravity, which theorists have forgotten and experimentalists never learned. (Experimentalist: ``I forget: Why do you need Faddeev-Popov ghosts in QCD?" Theorist: ``What's QCD?")

*Sorry, BeV=GeV and VeV=<0| |0>: These mistakes put physics back 6 orders of magnitude.

Clearly, we need some new physicists (not to be confused with phySiSiCts, who spend their time worrying about magnets), to bridge the gaps between experimentalists and phenomenologists, and between phenomenologists and theorists. Unfortunately, as theorists and experimentalists diverge, we will need an increasingly fine scale to differentiate all the different shades of physicists between them. One possible nomenclature would be to use energy, the same way that particles are named nowadays. Of course, this would require a logarithmic scale. (In the future, no one will refer to the Upsilon(120,683,957,256,147,786,101).) Thus, a theorist might be a ``20", an experimentalist a ``1", a phenomenologist a ``4", a nuclear physicist a ``-3", etc. Another possibility would be to fit everyone into the scale of imagination vs. common sense as:

Fig. 1, dried


Simple proof of equivalence of Green-Schwarz and Neveu-Schwarz formalisms of superstring: Just use triality; then...

Fig. 2, Brute?

We have used the Butcher-Baker-Campbellstick-Haussdorf theorem. It's clear that there can be no Neveu-Green string, since that would contain only fermions.


We know that black holes evaporate, since they are liquid. So what happens to strings? Clearly, they must eventually turn to lint. Lint is just a nonperturbative state of the string, where its dimension becomes indeterminate, and its boundary fuzzy. This accounts for the missing matter in the universe: Just look at all the lint under your bed, in your pockets, in your navel (not now!), etc. Obviously, lint eventually fills any empty space, so if there is always so much lint in these small spaces, how much lint must there have accumulated throughout history in the vast void of outer space?


Fig. 3. Baabaa scattering

Quantization is performed using the BVD formalism, based on the fundamental identities:

(S,S) = 0
[S,S] = []
{S,S} = {}

Since this is a superstring theory, the Feynman graph is represented by a super-Riemann surface:

What is this Fig. 4 ?


  1. Do 26 push-ups with your left hand, and then 10 push-ups with your right hand. Do the reverse.
  2. According to string theory, what is the number of observable particles in the limit as government funding for accelerators goes to infinity? (To lowest order, you may approximate the NSF as being spherical.)
  3. If superstring theory is finite, and in finite theories operators don't have anomalous dimensions, then how do you account for the fact that the superstring's 10-dimensional spacetime has 6 anomalous dimensions?
  4. Try to explain Jones polynomial theory in layman's terms.
  5. Write a grant proposal for your work on string theory, and include the phrase ``B-Bbar mixing."
  6. Design an experiment for the new Superconducting Superstring Collider which will prove conclusively that D=10.
  7. Prove that nobody ever reads the literature by repeatedly citing a paper that does not exist.
  8. If identical twins fly spaceships from the same spot in opposite directions at .5c, and after 1 year one turns around toward the other at .9c till they meet, then which one has the moustache?


The appendices in our papers, unlike other papers, are useful, not just for physics, but for actual everyday survival in the physicists' world. As part of our ongoing series, we now present an example of a well written grant proposal:

Proposal: Galvanic response in human tissue
Applicant: Victor Frankenstein

I propose to test the response of human tissue to stimulation by electrical current derived from e.g., electrical storms. This is an extension of previous well known work on frogs [1]. My work will in particular test the reanimation of intelligence. (See Fig. 5.) As an interesting side benefit, I would also like to discover what it is like to be God.

Fig. 5. Wittgenstein

If the present project succeeds, I plan to do further similar experiments with female tissue.

There are the usual expenses for chains, shackles, Tesla coils, and other electrical equipment. I will also need a postdoctoral assistant to carry equipment, find brains, etc. Finally, there will be some expense for fire extinguishers, as we have found from previous experience in dealing with the local villagers.

postdoctoral assistant: $35,492 publications: 17,953 photocopying: 4,123 mailing: 3,117 secretaries: 45,995 chains & shackles: 17 computers (Radio Shack): 395 other electrical equipment: 435 castle maintenance: 1,100 fire extinguishers 403 TOTAL: $110,000*

*This is an estimate, since we don't have any computers yet.

[1] T. Galva Edison, Amphibious filaments for the light globe.


For completeness, we not only describe how faculty can get money from the government, but how postgraduates can get money from faculty. Here is an example involving the same faculty member as above:

Dear Dr. Frankenstein,

I would like to apply for a postdoctoral position in your group. I have had a great deal of previous experience in dealing with reanimation of human tissue. I have enclosed a curriculum vita and list of publications. I have also asked my advisor, Count Dracula, to send you a letter of recommendation.

Sincerely yours,




[1] J. Ellis, In Wonderland, CERN-Physik preprint (John, 1991).
[2] Bermuda Schwarz, Moosylvania preprint, to appear in the proceedings of the workshop on Particles, Poison gas, Strings, and Cosmology, PePSiCO 1991.
[3] E. Wigner, String of the Nibelungs, Valhalla preprint.
[4] U.V. Ketov, Regularization of double U-algebras, high-energy preprint.
[5] Marc Switcharu, Toad algebras, Branded preprint.
[6] Isaac Neutron, Measuring particle masses by dropping them on your head, Cambridge preprint (January, 1691).
[7] Pointer Sisters, Neutron dance, to appear in Nucl. Phys. B.
[8] Kalibrovochnie Polyakov, To be confirmed, on-my-desk preprint (3 inches down the pile).
[9] Various authors, 20th century.
[10] J. Inn-LikeFlin and Not-T.D. Lee, Quantization of Yang-Girls, Stony Brook reprint (June 1974), has already appeared by now.
[11] Jock Distiller and Dontas Kawai, Good Fibrations, to appear in proc. XXIInd Intercontinental Workshop on Group Manifolds and Car Manifolds, LA, CA, USA, August 1991.
[12] W.C. Gall, Should a Theory Group Do Group Theory?, SU(N)Y preprint (July 1991).
[13] Malcolm X, Spontaneously breaking the law in an asymmetric society, NAACP preprint (February 1964).
[14] Justabout Everybody, Strings in absolutely no dimensions whatsoever, Picka preprint (whenever you feel like it).


Fig. 8, the ice-skating graph

(1) J.R. Oppenheimer: nuclear physicist, part-time British detective
(2) A. Einstein: physicist, relativist, rock star
(3) R. Descartes: mathematician, philosopher, Musketeer
(4) unidentified
(5) D. Hilbert: mathematician, relativist, fashion model
(6) G.F.B. Riemann: mathematician, relativist, superhero
(7) M. Curie: physicist, chemist, night-light


Electricity, ecstatic.....................346
Flavor, heavy.................see Cheesecake
Liouville slugger.........................568
Twisted N=2 Sister.......................1264
Ward identity..............................23
Ward, maternity.........................40932