in Strings '93, eds. M.B. Halpern, G. Rivlis, and A. Sevrin, Berkeley, CA, May 24-29, 1993 (World Scientific, Singapore, 1995) 485-490.


V. Gates, M. Roachcock, Empty Kangaroo, and W.C. Gall*
Institute for Tired Palindromes,
State Univ. of New York at Stony Brook, Stony Brook, New York, Unit. States of A.



Physics is getting more negative: black HOLES, NOT theory, NO-go theorems, DARK matter, etc.

Four dimensions good, two dimensions bad better

- - - - - - - - - - Geor Georwell, Conformal Farm

If time and space are relative, then why didn't they come to my birthday party?
- - - - - - - - - - Alexei Sayle

A sweet potato, therefore a yam
- - - - - - - - - - René AlaCartes

Proof? You mean you actually expect me to give you the proof, too? That's the last theorem you're ever going to get from me!
- - - - - - - - - - Pierre de Fermat

*Made you look!

Black holes are even harder to write papers on than an empty stomach [1], because they swallow up all your results. Black holes also cause a loss of information [2], since after you start working on them people stop reading your papers. This information gets lost even if you put it on supercomputers, since it gets radiated away as crayons. Although they have no hair, they do have an electric charge, of about $1.3/kwatt-hr. This is represented by the following diagram (drawn with a Penrose):

Figaro. Black hole [3]

No-go theorems are the hardest to find proofs for [4], since physicists tend to take the seminar titles literally*.

N=2 strings are the same as N=4 strings, since 2+2=4. This means that spacetime has 2 space and 2 time dimensions, so the Lorentz group is SO(Tutu) [5]. In N=2 strings the coordinates are complexified, appearing as


where x=Christ and x̄=antiChrist [6]. The background metric for these strings has self-dual curvature, but this curvature can be replaced with torsion. This method is known as "paratelellelism." In this formalallalism, the cohomolollology of the BEST operator [7] describes spaces with torsion-bar suspension t̄abc , where the vectors carry indices, except in biology, where vectors carry in disease. We use the Dirack notation

ket: |>
bra: <|


We also choose hypergolic coordinates

t = r cough φ , x = r sigh φ

(This is known as putting Deshorses besfores Descartes.) The resulting field equation is the Witten-Gordon equation [8,9]:

❑ φ +φ = 0

where we have used the Croissant bracket:

P,Q = 8

is a marginal operator. This may be related to WZWN -gravity. In the random lattice approach to string theory, the string is treated as a connected collection of points, as a string of beads [10]. This foolows fram an application of the uncretinty principle for matter at high dentistries [11]. Since string theory has no devirgins, all infancies are canceled*. As a consequence, this theory can describe neither oriented or unoriented strings, but only disoriented ones.

All these ideas can be applied to cosmology, since anything can be applied to cosmology. The main problem in cosmology is missing dark matter. The reason this matter is missing is because it isn't really dark: It's transparent, space is dark. (The confusion arose from the erroneous argument that the missing matter must contribute a lot of mass, and therefore must be heavy, and thus not light, and hence dark. This argument was invented by some astronomers who got fat masses from eating too many Higgses.) Most of this missing matter is in the form of albinos, which are particles that have no color (like neutrinos, except lighter). By properly taking these albinos into account we can shed some light on the true nature of dark matter, or at least make light of the whole situation.

These ideas can also be applied to more important issues: For example, strings can replace the ozone layer, since they don't suffer from ultraviolet divergences.


We would like to thank the secretaries for checking our speling. Some of the calculations in an earlier version were performed by various colleagues, so we dropped those sections.

*If Siamese twins apply for a position, how many would they fill (and do they file a joined tax return)?


  1. D. Letterman, Stupid metrics, NBC preprint
  2. Bugsy Beatty, Insanitons in Jelly-Roll Relativity, Stony Brook preprint RA-GG-MOPP-93-87 (1993.61427)
  3. D. Seuss and A. Hoponpopolous, Grand unified cohosmology and the lunar neutrino problem, Texas M&M preprint
  4. e-mail Martinec, Do quantum mechanics use Lagrange multi-pliers?, Chicanogo preprint
  5. Light Cohn, in Proc. XXth Int. Conf. on The Usual Stuff, Le Whoosh!, July
    3 - June 27, last year OOO
  6. X. Pope, Malcolm X, and Alexander 7, WWW strings and 2D-frutti gravity
  7. Bart Zweabart, BVD quantiztion is the BEST quantization for closed string field theory
  8. Edward Physicshands, If it's knot theory, thekn it must be experimeknt, Princetokn prepriknt
  9. K. Gordon and S. Gordon, Sophomoric scalars, Phys.Rev.D 11 (1975) 2088
  10. Ben and Aretha Franklin, Chain of fools, Philadelphia preprint
  11. Philadelphia Nelson, There ain't no such thing as a free lagrangian, Benjamin book
  12. Tropicana, Twistor in an 8 oz. can, 7-11 preprint
  13. Askok Das and Häagen Dasz, Sugar-cone string field theory
  14. V. Horowitz, Off-shell strings break violin variance
  15. E. Verlinde and H. Verlinde, Calabi-Yau and Ginsparg-Lanyau are different faces of the same theory
  16. J-pole Chinski, Exact aspirin solution for a 4-d black hole throat
  17. Von Jones and Von Nieuwenhuizen, Loops and conformal field theory
  18. Author One and Author Two, Recent seminal results, EFI-92-41


First row: [1] Unidentified (This guy doesn't even look like a physicict), [2] J.C. Maxwell, [3] W.C. Gall, [4] W. Pauli, [5] T. Hobbes.
Second row: [6] A. Volta, [7] E. Schrödinger, [8] D. Hilbert, [9] J. Calvin, [10] A.S. Eddington, [11] W. Heisenberg.
Third row: [12] A. Einstein, [13] R.P. Feynman, [14] V. Gates.


Next year our conference will be held at the beautiful scenic resort of Stony Brook:

We have already received generous funding from NSF, DOE, KGB, BHT, LSD, BVD, and TLC. The topics will be the same as this year, but with names changed to protect the innocent. Already 42 speakers have been invited. (Unfortunately, all the attendees are so far unconfirmed.) The proceedings will again be published. There will also be additional 5-minute talks, which will be published in the margins. The proceedings will also contain photographs of all the speakers, whose quality will be inversely proportional to the time it takes each speaker's contribution to reach the conference organizers. For entertainment, there will be short poetry readings during the coffee breaks, during which you will be served donuts, bagels, and other 1-loop corrections. (Tree graphs will also be available for those with dietary restrictions.) In addition, there will be a conference banquet on a blimp, during which members of the University's Glee Club will sing barbershop quartet music while skydiving off the observation deck.

The following year the conference will be held in Wales: